Starring Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Matthew Davis, Michelle Rodriguez, Ben Kingsley, Will Sanderson, Meat Loaf, Udo Kier, Michael Pare and Billy Zane
Written by Guinevere Turner
Directed by Uwe Boll
Rated R/18A for Strong Bloody Violence, Sexuality & Nudity
Why do I do this to myself? Haven't I learned that all video game movies suck to a large degree? Just look at Tomb Raider, Doom and Resident Evil, all horrible movies. Even worse, I decided to see a movie based on a video game that was directed by Uwe Boll, the man who gave us a movie which closely resembles a sample of feces. BloodRayne is my punishment for wanting to find the true worst movie ever made. While I was expecting something campy and laughably bad, what I got instead was a movie so outrageously awful that it was punishment sitting through it, and it may well be the worst movie I have ever seen.
BloodRayne is based on the video game of the same name, although really the only similarity is the main character, Rayne (Loken). That's basically like making a movie about zombies and calling it Resident Evil when the only similarity is the name of the company (wait, they did that too). Rayne is a dhampir (half-human, half-vampire) who is enslaved in a carnival. Her father is Kagan (Kingsley), the lord of the vampires who is hellbent on world domination or something like that. We don't know exactly what he is hellbent on, but he apparently wants it really bad (maybe he's hellbent for leather?).
There is a secret society known as Brimstone, which is tasked with the destruction of all vampires. Members Vladmir (Madsen) and Sebastian (Davis) believe that Rayne is the heroine of prophecy, and can help them stop Kagan and his oppression. After suddenly remembering that Kagan raped and murdered her mother in front of her, Rayne starts off on her own personal vendetta to kill Kagan, and starts collecting artefacts to lure him to her.
Now, as you can imagine, plots in video games are often very thin, but that is forgivable thanks to the medium. When a movie takes a plot and actually makes it worse than the average video game (I haven't personally played BloodRayne, but according to reviews, this doesn't follow the plot at all), you know you are truly dealing with a movie that can only be described as an utter crap. The plot is slightly easier to follow than Alone in the Dark, but the fact that you can follow the plot only means that you are annoyed at the dumb plot rather than the non-existent one.
As if the lack of plot weren't enough, the movie also contains some of the worst acting ever seen in movie history. Even though it contains some very respectable names, Uwe does such a horrid job directing that the actors all come across as cardboard boxes. This movie is the only movie to date I've seen that has worse acting than the cheesy old Resident Evil voice acting. Michael Madsen is definitely in need of some work, as no one but Tarantino has given him any good roles in what seems like forever (restore Mr. Blonde to his former glory already, Hollywood), and it shows with a performance here that makes him seem perpetually hung over. Rodriguez and Davis have the emotional span of a wet cloth. Billy Zane is only tolerable because he has only two scenes in the entire movie. Ben Kingsley, despite being a great actor in almost all of his endeavours, is at his absolute worst here, given absolutely nothing to work with besides looking mildly creepy.
Despite looking incredibly sexy when she doesn't have a milk moustache of blood, Loken is also another potential lost in the sea of crap Boll churned out. Her character basically consists of two moods; depressed and horny. Like any other crappy Boll movie, this film also gets plenty of pointless nudity, including Meat Loaf in a literal sea of hookers and Loken having her nipple licked, in what is the worst sex scene since, well, Alone in the Dark. It's one step below being a porno, which is too bad as porn usually has a better plot.
As for action, I wouldn't really call it action. Sure, there are plenty of sword fights, but the choreography is so bad that it seems like Boll just gave the actors plastic swords and told them to whack them together. The final fight scene is embarrassing for all involved. When anything remotely interesting happens, the movie cuts to a blurred out slow-down sequence, which is actually quite nauseating. I wish the movie had more guns, just for the simple reason that the fights would end a lot faster.
The movie tries to make up for the horrendous choreography by piling on tons and tons of gore. Well, if the slow-downs weren't enough to make you vomit, the gore certainly will, as it is without a doubt some of the most disgusting stuff ever filmed. Well, it would be if it didn't look like warm V8 juice pouring out of their throats. For good measure, the movie also contains the dumbest gore scene ever as four soldier thwack a dead guy with their swords for about fifteen seconds instead of helping their comrades. Also, just in case you slept through the rest of the movie (which I wouldn't doubt), the movie replays every single gore shot at the end, as if just to add to the torture that watching this movie is.
I wanted to enjoy a cheesy 'so bad, it's good' type movie when I rented this. Apparently, I had done a good job blocking Alone in the Dark out of my mind, as I forgot just how terrible Uwe Boll movies are. These movies aren't campy at all, but instead are actually physically painful to watch. This is actually probably the single worst movie ever created, even worse than Alone in the Dark. And the scary part is Boll has four more video game adaptation announced.
Now, if only some director who isn't Uwe Boll or Paul WS Anderson tries his hand at making a movie based on a video game that actually has a solid plot. How about a movie version of Grand Theft Auto III, for example, made by Michael Mann? Or a Joss Whedon version of Halo? Put Wes Craven in the director's chair and restart the Resident Evil franchise as horror movies instead of stupid action films. Metal Gear Solid as told by Oliver Stone, perhaps? John Woo presents Perfect Dark, a Peter Jackson version of The Elder Scrolls or Robert Rodrigue's Max Payne? All these great possibilities, and we get spoonfed crap like Uwe Boll presents House of the Dead and Paul WS Anderson's Alien VS Predator. If Hollywood actually tried, the concept could work. Instead, we video game fans get crapped on by having the worst possible games made into movies.
I cry a lot these days.
- ZERO % -